Staying up late

Staying up late is something very interesting, sometimes living like a nocturnal animal can actually give you some very good feelings. Listening to the sounds of crickets, enjoying the cold night breeze, it makes your brain clearer, so that you can do some soul searching.

Without this kind of ambience, you cant really think cooly, you wont know what actually happened around you, you wont even know if you made a mistake during the day. Albeit people say sleeping late is bad for the liver, doing it a few times wont really do much harm la, see without mental health, even you are healthy physically, you cant do much things too.

Actually I started this post at around 12am if not mistaken, after watching badminton tournaments, M'sians did really well just now. Then started to chat with a friend, a very important one actually. At first, it was about things that are complicated to be presented here, but then the friend told me something shocking, actually I was the one who asked the stupid question (shouldnt have asked it). Shocked that people do change over time, its of course something sad to me, but I do accept it willingly as people do not stay stagnant forever. Its just like our feelings do not stay stagnant, our attitude, actually nothing stays stagnant. Sorry for being a little pessimistic here.

Seems that people do yearn for a change sometimes, may be a good one or a bad one. I do hope for a change too, but fundamentally I hope my feelings will stay at present, when I use my heart to perceive things, and the right attitude to solve them. And I pray that one day I will become more mature, as what my other close friend told me, its hard to change a person, so just accept it with a broad chest. Well said indeed. But still as a stubborn person, I do want to try first before conceding defeat.

But I do learn something from this, sometimes its best not to touch sensitive issues (dun think too much) coz it breaks the pact that you have with your friends. Well, I've just ended the darn conversation few seconds ago. Feeling extremely discouraged now. Its like initially you are marching with a bunch of friends, then suddenly one says "aiya, i got stomachache", then leave the line, what would you feel? Am not trying to be funny here.

I dunno what kind of feeling is this, but its more like losing a part of your body, like you are mentally handicapped where one area of your body has ceased to function. Actually deep in my mind, I know that this situation will come sooner or later, so I decided to face it faster, not knowing that the effect will be so overwhelming. Yesterday our Sultan passed away, I didnt mourn for him, but I am now mourning over the lost of a friend, although the friend is still alive...

I know crying may be one of the best solution for me to get over (I didnt break up with anyone), but sad to know that I have no tears left to drop. Have always try to make people around me happy, but its just like the mandarin song, "Clown(Xiao Chou)" sings "ba ta de xin suan, hua zuo xi yue, chen xian gei ni" (please bear with my broken hanyupinyin) or changes his sorrow to happiness and present it to you. Nobody ever cares behind that laughing face of a clown, what kind of sorrowful feelings he's encountering. As you know, I hate people symphatise me, so in the end, I will leave all the bad feelings to myself, and one day, I hope I can find the happiness I yearn for.

Come to think of it, I was kinda stupid to have sent a sms in the beginning, the trigger of this problem. Haiz